Scratch Read online

  My hands were clenched so tightly, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to loosen this pencil from my grasp. It seemed like it was permanently welded to my fingers by now. I forced a smile that I knew didn’t look genuine, but I didn’t want her worrying about me right before the quiz. “I’m . . . just nervous, that’s all.”

  The worry in her eyes faded away. “Oh, you’ll be fine,” she said with a wave of her hand. “You totally got this—the quiz and the other thing. I’m rooting for you.” She squeezed my free hand. “Holler if you want me to pin him down so you can talk. Just speak from the heart—he’ll listen because he still cares.”

  God, I hoped she was right. “Thank you,” I said in a quiet whisper. “And I’ll let you know if drastic measures are needed.”

  For the next few minutes, I flipped through my notes to refresh my memory. My brain was exhausted, running on fumes. The words started to blur together.

  Professor Wilkins came in, and the class suddenly got quiet. I dared to look up and saw her eyeing all of us, her thickly braided hair slung over her black sweater-clad shoulder. “Quiz time,” she announced in her typical emotionless way.

  There was a soft groan from behind me, which made me shake my head, a small smile curving on my face. Some things never changed—like guys who thought somehow the teacher would forget. Not this prof.

  Quizzes were handed out, and we began. Time both dragged and ran by far too quickly. I was anticipating the end of it, yet also fearing it. My brain wouldn’t stop screaming at me as I scrawled my answers on the paper. What would happen when class was over—had Daniel listened to the song yet? Had he decided to wait until later?

  Was he just going to dump it somewhere on his way out of the room?

  Anxiety ate away at my stomach. I couldn’t concentrate. Shit, I was totally going to blow this quiz.

  It took everything I had to draw my attention back to the paper on my desk. The questions were all essay, which were mentally exhausting, but at least I was forced to focus on them. I shoved thoughts of Daniel aside and tried my best to answer. Logically, I knew essay questions were good because she’d give partial credit for effort.

  As I worked on the last question, Professor Wilkins announced, “Time! Please put your writing utensils down and pass your quizzes to the front.”

  I groaned. I hadn’t gotten to finish, but hopefully it had been enough.

  A hand tapped my shoulder. I took the papers from behind me, adding mine, and handed them to the black-haired girl two seats in front of me. My heart began its irregular thumping again as I moved out of quiz zone and back into my reality.

  Professor Wilkins walked across the front of each row. She gave the quizzes a cursory glance. “From the looks on your faces as you took this quiz, I have a feeling it won’t be fun grading these.” She leaned back against her desk and glanced at her watch. “Okay, your homework is to read the next chapter this weekend. We’ll start discussing it on Monday. You are excused.”

  I barely heard her last words over the deafening roar in my ears. Oh God, class was over and it was time to face everything. I was locked in place, frozen with fear. My head felt a little light and my vision blurred.

  Papers rustled as students crammed belongings into their book bags and began filing out of the room.

  Amanda stood and turned to me, rolling her eyes. “That was grueling.”

  All I could do was nod.

  She slung her bag over her shoulder and cupped my shoulder. “Be strong. Text me if you need anything, okay? I’m wishing you luck!”

  My fingers fumbled as I tried to put my stuff away; I had to lean over a few times to avoid being plowed into by guys running up the aisle for escape. My gaze so desperately longed to look over and see if Daniel was still there, though I was petrified of it.

  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this scared.

  Finally the sounds died down. I swallowed, closed my eyes, gathered my strength. I could do this. I was in control of my life, and it was worth the risk. The music had been for him, yes, but it had also been for me.

  I looked up and allowed myself to scan the room. Every desk was completely empty.

  Daniel had left the room without saying a word to me.

  My heart fell into tiny pieces, and a small cry threatened to erupt. I’d tried so hard, but in the end it hadn’t mattered.

  I’d failed.

  I gave myself a full minute to feel the misery welling in my soul. But I wasn’t going to cry here. I’d scrape together my pride, walk out the door with my head held high and be proud of myself.

  I’d laid it all on the line for someone with no guarantee of response. I’d opened up and let myself be crushed into sand-sized fragments, had taken a risk for love. I sniffled and threw my bag over my shoulder. I was going to be proud of that.

  Megan would be too. She and I could curl up on the couch and cry it out. And knowing her, she’d probably try to drag me out of the house to help me feel better. I still didn’t want to, but the thought no longer made me almost break out into hives. I knew her efforts came from a place of caring.

  I slipped on my coat, walked down the aisle and through the door. And then stopped in shock when I reached the hallway.

  Daniel was standing about fifteen feet away from the entrance, back leaning against the opposite wall, an earbud in his left ear. His face flashed numerous emotions I couldn’t read.

  I cleared my throat, shifted the bag on my shoulder.

  “Hi.” He shuffled in place a bit, then pushed off the wall as he pulled the earbud out. “Um. How are you?” His tone was polite, oh-so polite.

  I opened my mouth to say fine, wanting to hold on to those last vestiges of pride and not let him know how badly I was hurting. But something stopped me from lying to him. I stepped closer, out of the path of traffic, and dropped my bag by our feet. I visually devoured everything about him—the dark green of his eyes, his shaggy black hair, those damn beautiful freckles. I let myself absorb it all in.

  “Actually,” I said. My voice faltered, so I cleared my throat and repeated, “Actually, I’m doing horribly.”

  He blinked.

  “I . . .”—say it, Casey—“I miss you so much. I miss everything about you.” I kept my eyes locked firmly on his face as I let every drop of emotion pour from my gaze into his.

  He didn’t move from his spot, though his back stiffened. His face remained frozen while he stared at me in what looked a bit like shock.

  “Do you wanna know what I miss about you?” I continued. I was filled with a strange sort of bravery now, the foolish type those who know they’re plunging headfirst into something painful adopt because they have nothing left to lose. “I miss the way you hog the sheets in bed and the way your arm draped over me, protecting me. How your hair smells right when I’m drifting off to sleep.”

  His eyes shuttered, and the side of his jaw ticked. “Casey,” he began in a strangled tone, then stopped.

  “I miss how you push me out of my comfort zone.” I gave a small, bittersweet laugh. “I’m sure that’s as much a surprise to you as it is to me. But it’s true. You challenged me, helped me grow. I’m not as afraid anymore of living, and that’s because of you.” The knot in my chest grew larger, but I pushed myself to keep talking, blinked back the slight burn in my eyes. “I miss the way you make me laugh, how you shock me with your strange questions.”

  I paused and drew in a shaky breath. I couldn’t read his face right now, the strange darkness in his eyes, and that killed me. I dropped my gaze down so I wouldn’t chicken out of the last things I had to say to him. My hands shook hard, so I pressed them to the sides of my legs. “You’re such a good man, and I didn’t appreciate you the way I should have. And I miss . . . God, I miss just talking with you about everything and smelling your skin and the way you made love to me like I was beautiful—”

  Then a hand was on my chin, and my mouth was captured in a deep, soul-rending kiss that swallowed the last of my words.
I was too stunned to move at first, and it took me a second to realize Daniel had pressed the length of his lean body to me, was wrapping a possessive hand around my waist under my coat, was kissing me like he was intoxicated by my mouth.

  My body responded instantly, skin tingling with an ache so strong it almost hurt. I clutched his arms, tilted my head, tasted him. Every molecule in me craved his closeness with an intensity that scared me.

  A low whistle rang down the hallway, and a guy off in the distance laughed. “Whoo! Happy Friday to you guys too!”

  Daniel and I pulled back, panting and flushed. The grin on his face matched the one on mine. I felt lightheaded and dizzy from the intensity of that kiss.

  He grabbed my bag with one hand and my hand with the other. “Come with me.” Then he tugged me out of the building and led me toward a bench in the grassy commons. Since it was chilly outside, there weren’t a lot of students lingering.

  “You don’t have a coat on,” I protested.

  “I’m fine.” Daniel tugged my hand until I sat with him on the bench. Then he scooted close so that our knees touched. He kept my fingers wrapped in his. “Casey, I . . .” He drew in a slow breath and when he exhaled, I saw a little bit of tension leave his shoulders. “I loved your song.”

  My heart gave a small stutter of relief. “I’m so glad.”

  “No one’s ever done something like that for me before.” His eyes were earnest; he wasn’t trying to hide his feelings from me anymore. I could see everything, and the intensity of it all dumbfounded me. “And I really liked that you put our song in there too. It made it even more special.”

  So he did remember. “Look, Daniel, I . . .” My throat tried to close up, but I swallowed and forced myself to keep speaking. “What happened at the cemetery . . .”

  “I’m so, so sorry about that.” His grip tightened. A red flush worked its way over his cheeks, and his gaze scattered away. “It was wrong of me to do something that stupid and impulsive without thinking things through. I was trying to get you to open up to me—to face your feelings and let all that pain go so we could move forward together. But I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that, out of the blue.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “I hurt you.” Simple words, but so raw; I could feel his anguish pouring out of them. “Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve lain in bed, replaying that scene over and over again? Seeing the absolute misery on your face, that betrayal? I was angry with myself about it—I’m still angry, in fact. I’d pushed you away, which was the last thing I’d wanted to do.”

  “It wasn’t the best way to approach it,” I admitted. I released one of his hands and touched his cold cheek. “But it was the right idea. I wasn’t ready then, but I ended up going back to the cemetery. On my own.”

  A line drew up between his brows. “And . . . are you okay? What happened?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay. Well, I mean I will be. I talked to my father and got all that anger off my chest. It felt good to yell at him, to let him know how much he’d hurt me. And I took a bit of dirt from the gravesites of my mom and sister and used them to help pot two orchids I bought. They’re in my room.” The bold purple and pink petals made me smile every time I saw them. “I know that’s kind of morbid, but I wanted to keep them closer to me.”

  He shivered just a touch, and I moved to stand. “No, I want to stay right here.” With careful scoots he inched beside me until the lengths of our bodies were touching on one side. His arm darted under my coat, and he leaned in and breathed deeply. The soft breath on my ear made me shiver, but not from cold. “I’ve missed this.”

  “Me too.” My throat was hoarse with unspoken emotion.

  His lips grazed my ear. “I’m so sorry I hurt you—I was trying to help, but it was the wrong way to go about it. I just wanted you to find some happiness, even if it was without me.”

  Yes, I could survive without Daniel; I’d proven that to myself over the last few weeks. I could live, but I wasn’t happy. I reached over and wove my fingers through his. “There is no being happy without you.”

  “I love you,” he whispered in my ear, like it was our intimate secret, and I felt my stomach pinch in a surge of unexpected pleasure. “I love you, Casey, and I’d do anything for you.”

  I turned to face him, saw that love flaring in his eyes. “Forgive me for pushing you away?”

  “Nothing to forgive,” he instantly replied with a firm shake of his head. “Your past is a big part of you. I accept it all, even if I can’t help but want to ease the pains. And I know things won’t be perfect, but I’m here for you. Just . . . please don’t shut me out. I’ll try to not push you anymore. I don’t want to go through this ever again.” His honest, ragged words splintered my heart.

  “I won’t. Daniel, I love you so much,” I told him, releasing the words I’d been dying to say directly to him for so long. I pressed my mouth to his, and our cold lips warmed instantly.

  There was rustling of my hair, and then an earbud was pressed inside the shell of my ear. I pulled back a touch and saw Daniel had done the same with his side. The soft strains of my song, the one I’d written for him, started up.

  It wasn’t a dramatic piece. It wasn’t fancy or overdone. But its simplicity captured my emotions. At the end, as the last notes faded away, were the words I’d spoken to him: “Daniel, you changed me. You showed me what it means to truly live, and I’ll never be the same. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me, even when I didn’t deserve it. I love everything about you. I love you.”

  “I snuck and listened to it the whole time I took the quiz,” he admitted with a crooked grin on his face. “I couldn’t stop replaying it. I wanted to stand up, grab you and kiss you senseless right in the middle of class.”

  “Professor Wilkins would have loved that,” I said drolly, but on the inside my heart flipped with glee. I removed my earbud and tucked it in his hand. “That’s all yours,” I said. After I’d bought the mini iPod, I’d also filled it with a few songs I thought he might like, including the one we’d made together.

  He brushed a sweet kiss across my brow. “And I’m all yours.”

  Yes, he was. And he knew my heart was nestled right in his large hands. Our fragility with each other just made us stronger.

  We both stood, donned our bags and headed toward the sidewalk, bodies pressed side by side, steps in unison. I didn’t have anywhere else I had to be right now. And there wasn’t a place in the world that could hold more appeal for me than being right by Daniel’s side.

  Our steps crunched in time across brittle fall leaves skittering on the sidewalk. The wind picked up, and I tugged Daniel closer to my side.

  Contentment. That was this feeling warming my chest, lighting me from the inside out. That elusive bliss I’d been seeking for so long.

  Daniel and I walked in total silence as the wind picked up and warned us of colder days to come. It made me think of all the memories we’d start making together from this day on. We headed no particular direction, just hand in hand, our emotions filling the scant space between us.

  I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed mine back.

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to my editor, Peter, for taking on this book and giving me savvy guidance on how to make it as strong as it can be. And to all the folks at Kensington, I’m grateful for your support.

  Thank you to my writing friends. I’d be huddled in a corner crying myself to sleep if I didn’t have you all to lean on, haha. You keep me sane in this insane industry.

  Thank you to my wonderful family and friends. You rush out and buy my books, and you nag everyone else to get them too. I appreciate you so much.

  Lastly, thank you to YOU, the reader! I hope you enjoy this story.

  The Scratch Playlist

  Here are some songs I thought would make a good sound track for Scratch, either lyrically or thematically, and some others I imagine Casey would play at the club or listen to on her own. Yo
u can find it online by following the link SCRATCH by Rhonda Helms or by searching for “SCRATCH by Rhonda Helms” on your Spotify interface. (Note: This requires a Spotify account to access.) I hope you enjoy this mix as much as my editor, Peter, and I enjoyed putting it together!

  —RH

  “Concrete Angel”—Gareth Emery and Christina Novelli

  I think this song could be the theme song of Scratch, kind of how Daniel might see Casey. An instant EDM classic.

  “Rewind”—Emma Hewitt

  There are some awesome remixes available on the single, but I like the Mikkas one best. I saw this as a song Casey and Daniel dance to when they check out the DJ at the club.

  “Lovers (Pure Mix)”—Solarstone featuring Lemon

  “Love me into life, take away my pain . . .”

  This song strikes me as something Casey would play when she DJs, and I love the Depeche Mode feel of the vocals.

  “Live for the Night”—Krewella

  Another song I see Casey playing. There are some good remixes available, but the album version is dance-pop as it is. Krewella’s “Alive” also has some lyrics appropriate to Scratch.

  “Welcome to the Jungle (Original Mix)”

  —Alvaro and Mercer

  In my head, I saw Casey playing this at the club, maybe when the dance floor is crowded and a little steamier.

  “Red Lights”—Tiesto

  I think this is something that Casey would listen to on her own time, away from the DJ booth. I like the Extended Version; it has some great peaks and valleys to dance to.

  “Frost Nova”—Aqua & Arctic

  This is a pretty great EDM instrumental track. It sounds like a piece I imagined Casey might compose.

  “Under Control (Extended Remix)”

  —Calvin Harris featuring Alesso and Hurts